Voiceless? Crosscheck It!

My youngest child was about 5 weeks old when my life changed. I woke up one morning and the voice I heard come out of my mouth was not the familiar voice I had heard for 30 plus years. Can you imagine hearing a different voice than your own come out of your mouth? In addition to my voice changing, I could no longer sing. These things may not be a big deal to you but they were to me.

I went to an ENT, and they scoped my vocal cords. The doctor told me they were a little inflamed and I have allergies. I was handed a prescription for Flonase. I was like, what? I sat there dumbfounded. I asked her again, “you didn’t see anything that would change the sound of my voice or hinder me from singing?” The same response. 

I grew up in a musical family. My Dad could play any instrument he picked up. He always was playing, singing, whistling, and dancing in his silly way around the house.  Almost my entire childhood he would lead our family in worship and a devotional before my sister and I would run out the door to school. Before our devotion time together would end my Dad would play one last song. It was always the same song, “This Is The Day”. Not the traditional old This is the Day, my Dad is not that kind of guy. He jazzed it out and would do his little slappy thing on his guitar to add a jazz rhythm and he would scrunch his face up in certain parts when he’d hit those special notes. We would sing it in different languages of different countries we visited. My sister and I both had harmonies to sing and then my part would come and I would play the hand flute. Yup, the hand flute. It was a ridiculous, beautiful, unique thing our family did. It was our thing. It was always a time filled with laughter and love. 

As a child, I had terrible nightmares all the time. All the time!!! I’d sneak into my parent's room and my mom would bring me out into the living room and sit down with me on a rocking chair and sing to me. She’d sing what I called the Jesus song. “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. There’s just something about that name. Master, Savior, Jesus, like a fragrance after the rain. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Let all heaven and earth proclaim. Kings and kingdoms will all pass away, But there’s just something about that name.” I would be so comforted by her voice and those words. I would eventually drift off to sleep as I replayed those words over and over in my mind as I laid back in my bed.

My Dad became the worship pastor at our church. He had been playing bass on the team, so when he needed to switch to guitar, he handed me the bass and said, “here, learn this.” So I did. At least enough to get by. Years later I met my husband on that same worship team. We ended up being in another band together and then we finally got married. He became a worship leader and I continued to play and sing with him for years.  Worship, music, and singing were all very important parts of my life, my memories, my loves, they were part of me. There’s so much more I could write about but I think you get it, music had weaved its way into almost every area of my life throughout my life. 

When our youngest was born our oldest daughter was 6 and our son was 4. I had sung the “Jesus Song” my mother sang to me to help them drift off to sleep so many nights when they were up. It was our thing and it meant so much to me. That week I woke up with my voice changed, everything changed. I went to sing to my brand new baby girl that day and it felt as if a hand was gripping my vocal cords and I could barely get a squeak out. It was extremely painful. Life took a really hard turn and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t understand how God could let this happen. I was using this gift to sing to my kids, to comfort them. It was a way I loved them.

I would go to church on Sunday and not be able to sing during worship. I would try to croak some verses out but that one verse would end in such pain and my heart would ache and I would end up just standing there, tears streaming down my face. As the years went on there was little to no change. I believed God would heal me but again, nothing changed. I would cradle my little one and try to sing to her and she would almost always raise her hand to cover my mouth. It was that bad. I can laugh at it now, but then it tore my heart out.

At this point, I was just angry. Angry at God, angry at the situation. Why would you take my voice? Why would you let me lose my voice? You gave it to me, why would you take it? Why can’t I even sing to my baby let alone take the thing I use to worship Him? I could not wrap my head around this. 

Have you been through a season where you felt like God stole something from you? 

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him? (Matthew 7:7-11)

So I started asking, I started seeking, and I started knocking. The hard questions are not too hard for our Lord. I was mad, I was angry and I wanted answers.  I was beating at His door demanding answers. Screaming at Him, “why did you take my voice?”

The response did not come in the minutes following. I beat at that door, I screamed, I cried,  I asked and screamed for years!

He was not ignoring me, He was waiting patiently for me

What I didn’t notice before was that it doesn’t say here that the man will give you a croissant if you ask for a croissant. It doesn’t say if you ask for Salmon he’ll give you Salmon. It says, “if his son asks for bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a snake?” It doesn’t give specifics, it’s general. But, His Word does say He’ll “give good things to those who ask Him.” 

What I came to understand was he had already given me so much.

He gave Himself, His love, His forgiveness, His grace, His mercy. He gave it all and that is enough. I didn’t need anything else. If He didn’t do one more thing for me in my entire life, if he never healed my voice I would still love Him. 

I had to crosscheck what I was experiencing, or what my perceptions were, against who He really is.

What I came to understand is that we do not have a Father who steals from His children. And, we do not have a Father who ignores what we ask for.

I just needed to trust Him. He knows what He’s doing. His ways are higher.

I needed to find new ways to worship Him. Instead of being angry I couldn’t sing to my children, I needed to be praising Him and thanking Him for my children. 

When I came to that conclusion I heard Him finally respond.

 “I didn’t take your voice, I gave you a new one.”

That one line changed everything. Instead of the perception I had of Him being a taker, it gave me the truth that He is a giver. He led me into a new season using that new voice in an area of ministry I never would have entered, serving with kids.

I was always on the worship team so I never would have gone down that road. He knew that and needed to show me the way. He had people he wanted me to meet and families he wanted me to serve and that never would have happened on the worship team. 

There were things He needed me to learn over those 7 years. Amazing things and incredibly hard things. Painful things for me to go through and learn from. It wasn’t all roses, some of the most painful times of my life were during that season but some of the most amazing stories of breakthroughs happened through those times as well.  God allowed me to be a part of so many beautiful things. . . And that season ending led me to serve with Helping Hands. A mobile food pantry where I now get the privilege of working. He has a plan in it all! 

He had a different plan! A better plan with good things. He wanted to give me that bread and that fish even if it was a different loaf of bread and a different type of fish than I had ever tried before. When that little boy brought the loaves and the fish and handed them over to Jesus, we know the story, Jesus blessed them and much more than anyone else could have ever imagined happened with that bread and those fish.

My daughter Garnet turns 11 next month and my speaking voice remains the same. Using this new voice is still painful. It’s still uncomfortable for me to speak in public, it still doesn’t sound like me to me. It’s still scratchy and often painful to talk when I have to talk loudly. But I speak when He tells me to because He gave it to me to use.

There is some progress with singing. I can sing longer without it hurting so much. I can complete almost an entire worship set without having to take a break. I have begun to see some shifts in ability but the voice I once had is no more. And that’s okay.

After 10 years of putting the bass guitar down, I picked it back up because He told me to. I put it down because it was too painful to play and not sing. But I can play now, and worship and not even think about singing. That’s a new season for me. That’s healing and breakthrough! It just came in a way I never expected and in a place I would have never imagined.

When I’m scared, when I’m angry, when I’m disoriented, I grab a hold of His Word. I get into His presence in Worship and I pray.  

When I have those days that I struggle with my voice I declare this verse, 

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are your works, I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:14) 

I choose to sing these words:

God I look to You, I won't be overwhelmed

Give me vision to see things like You do

God I look to You, You're where my help comes from

Give me wisdom, You know just what to do

And I will love You Lord my strength, And I will love You Lord my shield,

And I will love You Lord my rock, Forever all my days I will love You God

And I choose to pray... Lord, I thank you for the pain. Thank you for remaining with me every step of the way whether I felt you there or not. Thank you for reminding me of who I am in You. I thank you for loss and I thank you for the purifying that can only come when you lead me through fire. Thank you for always bringing me out on the other side looking more like you and so much less like me. Help me continue to let go of anything you need me to let go of so I can grasp on to you alone. Amen.

If you’re in that space of pain, that place of loss, let him have it. He can handle it. Crosscheck it. Remember, He’s a good Father, His ways are higher.

I crosschecked it and I discovered I'm not voiceless, I have a new voice. When you trust Him with all that have and all that is gone, trust me, you’ll enter a new season full of wonderful new discoveries.