Fake? Crosscheck It!
“Jesus invites us to gather around Him as He tells captivating stories about a better life, a bigger life, and a greater love.” A quote from, Bob Goff, in his book Love Does. (Sidenote, Love Does is an incredible book! If you want an easy read that will make you laugh until you cry and have stories that demonstrate God’s incredible love, this is it.)
"A better life, a bigger life, a better love." None of this fully translated to me as I was growing up in the church or out on the mission field. I didn’t understand the definition of those phrases. I saw such poverty. I saw so much human depravity, corruption and disgust in the world. I saw how different the third world church functioned from the first world church. By the time I was teenager I could see the disparity was vast! The culture shock was crazy coming from Africa back to the United States. Not just from seeing the abundance of options we have in a grocery store but the options we have in choosing what building we want to function in as the church. I just couldn’t contemplate how I could be personally fulfilled by Jesus and how many in need could be so ignored by the people who say they are the church.
I began to disconnect more and more. I felt fake. I loved Jesus so much. I understood why He came and what He did for me on the cross. I loved talking about Him and wanted others to know about Him. But, I was still feeling a void inside. I was covering up so much and portraying this fake version of myself. The “church” acceptable version. I loved God so much but was unwilling to do things His way because I didn’t really understand what that meant. I’d been told a lot of dos and don’ts but it didn’t seem like a life I wanted. And honestly, I didn’t want to look anything like most of the people who were telling me to do those things. There are exceptions of course. But mostly I would look around at people and say, wow, they are so fake. How can they be so fake? And why can't I be myself, why am I not good enough? I was judged by how I dressed, what color my hair was, what color my lipstick was, you name it. I even was asked what I was going to do about my tattoos. Huh? That's a topic for another blog...
I grew up in ministry. At the age of 9 my parents sold everything and became missionaries. In my late teens my Dad became a pastor. As missionaries, we lived on a ship so there was no getting away from people. Everyone knew pretty much anything you were doing. Secrets were never kept and it felt like you had about 200 sets of eyes of you at all times. We also came from a large church and most people knew my family. Church members would ask how I was doing or how my parents were doing. I thought they were asking just so they could get a glimpse into my life and gossip about it with the rest of the church. That was true for some of them but probably not for most of them. But I saw people show up to my grandmother’s funeral just to see how our family’s life “looked” now. They had heard rumors of my divorce, “things” I had done. I’d look at them with that look. You know, the look when you see a woman that you know has had about 74 surgeries done on her face? My thought… boy, she's had some work done. Fake. I became very guarded and wouldn’t share anything. I had lived in a fishbowl my whole life. Literally people would constantly try to look inside of my port hole from the dock. Dude, It's a small room with bunk beds and a set of drawers. That's it. It's not that interesting. Stop acting like a weirdo, this is a kid's room. I was so tired of being stared at and put under a microscope. But, the reality was, I was just as fake. And if we’re truthful, we all have things we'd rather keep hidden.
When I would sit in the dark hours I would think, “I’ll never change. I’ll never quit smoking (one of my many issues). I don’t really even want to change so how can I change?”
A sentence in a book I was reading jumped off the page. A man saw a masterpiece painting and said, “I wanted that painting more than I wanted food. So I started saving.” I reached a point after years of "covering up” that I no longer wanted to be a fake. I had no idea how to change so I started reading and memorizing scripture. I had heard all my life there’s power in the Word of God so I decided to test the theory. For two weeks straight I was reading particular verses on who I was in Christ and who He called me to be. I would read them and speak them out loud every day. Every free moment of the day I was pulling out my journal and reciting these verses I had written down. I didn’t know it at the time but I was “saving” like that person did for that painting. I was storing up His Word in my heart. I wanted that original painting and I was set on getting it. I wanted to be the “original” God created me to be, not some other version He never meant for me to be. On about the 15th day of reading and speaking those verses an amazing transformation happened. Something happened that I never knew was possible. He (God), allowed me to “feel” His love. He allowed me to “experience” His love. He woke my heart up and I’ve never looked back. I don’t know how to describe it well, but I could tangibly feel his Love around me. Like he soaked me in liquid. I know it sounds weird, but I felt high. It lasted about 3 months. I felt like I was going crazy but I also never wanted it to end. Judge me if you want but my life has never been the same.
I still fail every day, and I have a long way to go. But, I’ve come a long way. One pastor put it this way, “I’m not where I want to be, but I’m not where I used to be”. One thing I know for certain is that nothing can separate me from the love of Christ. He won’t love me anymore today than He does tomorrow or did last Tuesday. He won’t love me more if I never swear again or serve Him every day of my life. He loves me, period. Don’t get caught up in guilt or in not doing certain things. All you need to do is take some time to get to know the One who loves you. Once I did that, He freed me from smoking. I didn’t have to get meds to help me quit. I didn’t have to chew gum to help me quit either. I had a loving and incredible heavenly Father who wanted to help me. I also had and have a wonderful husband who supported me in it. Was it easy? Not at all but, the fight was worth it and He was with me every step of the way. Today, it’s been over 7 years since I picked up a cigarette.
Let’s get out there and uncover the real version of ourselves. I know I’ll get hurt, and I know I'll get damaged. But, so did Jesus. I know He created me to be a world-changer and He created you just the same. Jesus is in us. And if He’s in us, we ARE world changers.
Through us, Jesus is telling "captivating stories about a better life, a bigger life, and a greater love.”
Now I can only hope people look at me and say, “Boy, she’s had some work done”, because man have I ever!!!
38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[p] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39
Think it’s fake? Crosscheck It!
Don't ever forget: God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good.